I don’t really know what I’m doing; please bear with me.
I put my daughter up for adoption 20 years ago as a newborn. It was a decision I made completely on my own and do not regret, though I’m still sad when I think about it too much. It was pretty much the traditional too young-no support-few choices story; more later I guess.
It was a closed adoption, althoughI met the aparents at the agency twice and knew their first names. They sent pictures for a while, though they hadn’t promised to, and likely only stopped because I stopped asking. I needed to pull away. I told myself it was to spare this new family from my presence, to give them time to establish themselves as normal, but it was more likely because I needed to push it all to the back of my mind. I’ve been reading lots of birthmother blogs lately — by Thanksgivingmom, notmother, secretbmom, and others – and am grateful that I didn’t have an OA. I don’t know that I could have stopped myself from calling too much, doing “drive-bys” or making myself crazy worrying that they were being put upon. I applaud those of you who can do it, truly. Is that selfish of me to be glad that I left my daughter in the dark? Probably.
But now I’m hoping for a reunion. I told myself that I would wait for her to make contact, that I would make myself easy to find but not initiate it. I have done that. I registered with the provincial disclosure registry when she turned 18, I kept my maiden name when I married and I have my number listed in the phone book. I am pretty sure that the letter I wrote and gave to the adoptive parents at the time of placement had my last name on it, but I’m not positive. Anyway, that was my plan from the start.
However, fate has intervened. I work in a field that occasionally brings me into contact with teenagers who have unplanned pregnancies. A couple of months ago, for the first time in 6 years of working, one girl asked about private adoption as she did not want to deal with our CPS. I told her I would find some info and get back to her. I called the SW who was involved in my daughter’s placement and whom I had not spoken with in over 10 years. After some chitchat she gave me some names of people who arranged private adoptions, as she had moved out of the field. One of the names she gave was of the guy who owned the agency she worked at. She suggested I call him ’cause “he’ll remember you — he’ll remember *amom* and *adad* for sure. Just say (insert FULL name of adad here) and he’ll remember!” I just about dropped the phone. I still don’t know if it was really a slip or if she intentionally told me my daughter’s last name, but the cat was out! I didn’t point out the faux pas. It took me about 30 seconds to find my daughter on the internet and discover she has a Facebook page. So beautiful! So talented! Smart as a whip! Wants to be a vet.
And so I check to see if there’s a new profile picture of her every once in a while. It’s a private page, with a “Send *daughter* a message” button taunting me each time I do. Do I do it? Do I have the guts? Things haven’t really changed – can I justify changing my plan to let her initiate contact just because it if REALLY easy for me to do it now, at least logistically?
Posted by canuckfirstmum 