I’ve decided to definitely/maybe/probably/for sure send my daughter a message on Facebook and have drafted a letter. I’d dearly love you eloquent readers to comment … no feedback too small, big or able-to-offend, I promise; I have thick skin and would love to hear even from those who think it’s pathetic! Want to thank Oceans too ‘cuz I’ve likely stolen some material from her without meaning to. Here it is:
Dear M,
I don’t know how to ease into this so it doesn’t come as such a shock, but I can’t figure out how, so I’ll just come out with it — I am Canuck, your biological mother.
I always hoped that we would connect again. My intention was to be patient, make myself easy to find and wait for you to contact me. I believed that since I had made this humungous decision to ask XXX and XXX to be your Mum and Dad, it would be your turn to decide what happens next.
However, fate has intervened and I have diminished resolve. I was not actively searching for you, but came to know your full name when someone who knew let it slip. After 20 years of thinking about you, I couldn’t stop myself from looking you up on Facebook. And having found you, I just can’t sit on it any more. I have been debating whether to send this for months. There’s no question that I would dearly love to hear from you, find out how you’re doing, answer any questions you have, but I don’t want to intrude either, and that’s been my internal debate. I’ve also thought that this may not be the best way to approach you, but I don’t have any other contact information.
So I am sorry for the intrusion, if that’s what this feels like. It’s still up to you to decide what happens next and when. If nothing else, you can check out some pictures of my husband, boys and me on my Facebook page. As I said, I know no other way to contact you – no address or phone – so if I don’t hear from you, I’ll get the hint.
Love,
Canuck (and plenty of ways to contact me)
Let ‘er rip! Please! Tell your friends to visit and comment! And thanks!
June 16, 2008 at 10:11 pm
I don’t think it’s pathetic, but if I were to suggest, I would say you can remove the references to yourself as intruding, and take out the part about if she doesn’t respond, you’ll “get the hint”. It seems a little…I don’t know, exactly. Like you’re pushing her away already, maybe?
Perhaps you might reword the intrusion part/replace the getting the hint statement to say something like “I realize this contact may come as a shock to you, and you might need some time to process your feelings before you decide what to do on your end. Therefore, I’ll wait for you to reply before I send any more messages.”
JMHO.
I wish you the very best in whatever happens. Although I’m a first mom in an open adoption and haven’t had to write exactly this kind of letter, I know the feeling of waiting and hoping we haven’t overstepped our bounds very well.
June 16, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I think that is great. It really gets your points across in a gentle way, and you don’t sound pushy in anyway.
As an adoptee I would have LOVED to get a letter from my birth mom like yours.
I think it’s great…send it!!!!
Let me know how it goes!!!
Thinking of you!
June 17, 2008 at 1:03 am
I hope too, that you receive a quick and enthusiastic reply. I do agree with Coco though. A slight shift in overall tone towards less apologizing and more of your goodwill and letting her make the next step. Simpler is better, but above all, accepting, accepting, accepting.
As an adult adoptee in reunion for a long time, I do have an awareness that the person who is the finder is often the person who is forever the pursuer. So, in this vein, she may test you for awhile. Acceptance is key.
Anyway, I wish nothing but a wonderful reunion for you both. I’ll be checking in to see what happens.
Tina
June 17, 2008 at 3:31 am
Don’t send anything until you have cleared it with the parents who raised your daughter, she doesn’t need to be scoked as you put it! Contact them first and tell them you would like to meet with your birth daughter and then be prepared for a lot of questions. If you love this girl at all go through the proper channels and wait for love to come back to you!
June 17, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Sorry canuck…. remember your daughter is an adult… you no longer need to consult her parents. As an adoptee myself, I have issues of control, and I want to be treated as an adult, not a helpless child, also remember, this is essentially between you and her.
Did you get the book, “Coming Home To Self” By Nancy Verrier
I’m thinking of you, hang in there!
June 17, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I think your message is beautiful, though I agree with Coco, and acknowledging that the note may come as a shock/surprise that you will give her time to digest it before writing again
I sent a very similar message (via myspace, though) to my 1/2 sister in order to contact my n-family. It went well and I hope it goes well for you, too!
I do think, though, that you should contact herself and not go through her parents. I would be frustrated, in that situation, to still be treated like a child
Best of luck to you!!!
Blessings,
Jenna
June 17, 2008 at 11:54 pm
I too feel like the communication should be between me and my daughter now that she is an adult, but I asked for all comments! Not sure who decreed going through aparents was the “proper channel”.
I will start redrafting parts of the letter as suggested; it’s such a hard one to write and get the right tone. Thanks for the help! More comments always welcome.
June 18, 2008 at 12:33 am
Oh and Allison, I have ordered that book, along with a couple others, and am looking forward to a good read as I wait for a reply!
June 18, 2008 at 12:43 am
C: I have heard from many adoptees about contact and they all say that they prefer direct contact. If nothing else, they can control the when, where, why and how they let their parents know.
I love Coco’s suggestions – Also, I might hedge a little and say “I believe” I am your birthmom instead of say “I am”… I dunno, still a shock but maybe a little gentler?
And lastly… I would absolutely, 100% request a response EITHER WAY. The wait for a response is horrendous! But knowing that you asked and therefore will probably… eventually… get one makes it a bit easier. (Only a bit but still
)
Here were my words and feel free to use them or something to this effect: I only ask that you let me know either way so I don’t wonder too much.
Good luck!!!! I’m happy your moving forward and we’ll all be here to hold your hand along the way!
June 22, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Yay!!