Comments on: I’d love some help… http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/ A birthmother starting reunion. She hopes. Wed, 31 Dec 2008 23:56:44 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: kim kim http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-39 kim kim Sun, 22 Jun 2008 21:53:30 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-39 Yay!! Yay!!

]]> By: oceans64 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-26 oceans64 Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:43:42 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-26 C: I have heard from many adoptees about contact and they all say that they prefer direct contact. If nothing else, they can control the when, where, why and how they let their parents know. I love Coco's suggestions - Also, I might hedge a little and say “I believe” I am your birthmom instead of say "I am"... I dunno, still a shock but maybe a little gentler? And lastly... I would absolutely, 100% request a response EITHER WAY. The wait for a response is horrendous! But knowing that you asked and therefore will probably... eventually... get one makes it a bit easier. (Only a bit but still :) ) Here were my words and feel free to use them or something to this effect: I only ask that you let me know either way so I don’t wonder too much. Good luck!!!! I'm happy your moving forward and we'll all be here to hold your hand along the way! C: I have heard from many adoptees about contact and they all say that they prefer direct contact. If nothing else, they can control the when, where, why and how they let their parents know.

I love Coco’s suggestions – Also, I might hedge a little and say “I believe” I am your birthmom instead of say “I am”… I dunno, still a shock but maybe a little gentler?

And lastly… I would absolutely, 100% request a response EITHER WAY. The wait for a response is horrendous! But knowing that you asked and therefore will probably… eventually… get one makes it a bit easier. (Only a bit but still :) )

Here were my words and feel free to use them or something to this effect: I only ask that you let me know either way so I don’t wonder too much.

Good luck!!!! I’m happy your moving forward and we’ll all be here to hold your hand along the way!

]]> By: canuckfirstmum http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-25 canuckfirstmum Wed, 18 Jun 2008 00:33:48 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-25 Oh and Allison, I have ordered that book, along with a couple others, and am looking forward to a good read as I wait for a reply! Oh and Allison, I have ordered that book, along with a couple others, and am looking forward to a good read as I wait for a reply!

]]> By: canuckfirstmum http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-24 canuckfirstmum Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:54:31 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-24 I too feel like the communication should be between me and my daughter now that she is an adult, but I asked for all comments! Not sure who decreed going through aparents was the "proper channel". I will start redrafting parts of the letter as suggested; it's such a hard one to write and get the right tone. Thanks for the help! More comments always welcome. I too feel like the communication should be between me and my daughter now that she is an adult, but I asked for all comments! Not sure who decreed going through aparents was the “proper channel”.

I will start redrafting parts of the letter as suggested; it’s such a hard one to write and get the right tone. Thanks for the help! More comments always welcome.

]]> By: Jenna http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-23 Jenna Tue, 17 Jun 2008 22:53:26 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-23 I think your message is beautiful, though I agree with Coco, and acknowledging that the note may come as a shock/surprise that you will give her time to digest it before writing again :) I sent a very similar message (via myspace, though) to my 1/2 sister in order to contact my n-family. It went well and I hope it goes well for you, too! I do think, though, that you should contact herself and not go through her parents. I would be frustrated, in that situation, to still be treated like a child :) Best of luck to you!!! Blessings, Jenna I think your message is beautiful, though I agree with Coco, and acknowledging that the note may come as a shock/surprise that you will give her time to digest it before writing again :) I sent a very similar message (via myspace, though) to my 1/2 sister in order to contact my n-family. It went well and I hope it goes well for you, too!

I do think, though, that you should contact herself and not go through her parents. I would be frustrated, in that situation, to still be treated like a child :)

Best of luck to you!!!
Blessings,
Jenna

]]> By: mybirthnameisallison http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-22 mybirthnameisallison Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:15:36 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-22 Sorry canuck.... remember your daughter is an adult... you no longer need to consult her parents. As an adoptee myself, I have issues of control, and I want to be treated as an adult, not a helpless child, also remember, this is essentially between you and her. Did you get the book, "Coming Home To Self" By Nancy Verrier I'm thinking of you, hang in there! Sorry canuck…. remember your daughter is an adult… you no longer need to consult her parents. As an adoptee myself, I have issues of control, and I want to be treated as an adult, not a helpless child, also remember, this is essentially between you and her.
Did you get the book, “Coming Home To Self” By Nancy Verrier

I’m thinking of you, hang in there!

]]> By: Mom http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-21 Mom Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:31:59 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-21 Don't send anything until you have cleared it with the parents who raised your daughter, she doesn't need to be scoked as you put it! Contact them first and tell them you would like to meet with your birth daughter and then be prepared for a lot of questions. If you love this girl at all go through the proper channels and wait for love to come back to you! Don’t send anything until you have cleared it with the parents who raised your daughter, she doesn’t need to be scoked as you put it! Contact them first and tell them you would like to meet with your birth daughter and then be prepared for a lot of questions. If you love this girl at all go through the proper channels and wait for love to come back to you!

]]> By: imtina http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-20 imtina Tue, 17 Jun 2008 01:03:48 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-20 I hope too, that you receive a quick and enthusiastic reply. I do agree with Coco though. A slight shift in overall tone towards less apologizing and more of your goodwill and letting her make the next step. Simpler is better, but above all, accepting, accepting, accepting. As an adult adoptee in reunion for a long time, I do have an awareness that the person who is the finder is often the person who is forever the pursuer. So, in this vein, she may test you for awhile. Acceptance is key. Anyway, I wish nothing but a wonderful reunion for you both. I'll be checking in to see what happens. Tina I hope too, that you receive a quick and enthusiastic reply. I do agree with Coco though. A slight shift in overall tone towards less apologizing and more of your goodwill and letting her make the next step. Simpler is better, but above all, accepting, accepting, accepting.

As an adult adoptee in reunion for a long time, I do have an awareness that the person who is the finder is often the person who is forever the pursuer. So, in this vein, she may test you for awhile. Acceptance is key.

Anyway, I wish nothing but a wonderful reunion for you both. I’ll be checking in to see what happens.

Tina

]]> By: mybirthnameisallison http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-19 mybirthnameisallison Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:19:36 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-19 I think that is great. It really gets your points across in a gentle way, and you don't sound pushy in anyway. As an adoptee I would have LOVED to get a letter from my birth mom like yours. I think it's great...send it!!!! :-) Let me know how it goes!!! Thinking of you! I think that is great. It really gets your points across in a gentle way, and you don’t sound pushy in anyway.
As an adoptee I would have LOVED to get a letter from my birth mom like yours.

I think it’s great…send it!!!! :-)
Let me know how it goes!!!

Thinking of you!

]]> By: Coco http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/2008/06/16/id-love-some-help/#comment-18 Coco Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:11:54 +0000 http://canuckfirstmum.wordpress.com/?p=9#comment-18 I don't think it's pathetic, but if I were to suggest, I would say you can remove the references to yourself as intruding, and take out the part about if she doesn't respond, you'll "get the hint". It seems a little...I don't know, exactly. Like you're pushing her away already, maybe? Perhaps you might reword the intrusion part/replace the getting the hint statement to say something like "I realize this contact may come as a shock to you, and you might need some time to process your feelings before you decide what to do on your end. Therefore, I'll wait for you to reply before I send any more messages." JMHO. :) I wish you the very best in whatever happens. Although I'm a first mom in an open adoption and haven't had to write exactly this kind of letter, I know the feeling of waiting and hoping we haven't overstepped our bounds very well. I don’t think it’s pathetic, but if I were to suggest, I would say you can remove the references to yourself as intruding, and take out the part about if she doesn’t respond, you’ll “get the hint”. It seems a little…I don’t know, exactly. Like you’re pushing her away already, maybe?

Perhaps you might reword the intrusion part/replace the getting the hint statement to say something like “I realize this contact may come as a shock to you, and you might need some time to process your feelings before you decide what to do on your end. Therefore, I’ll wait for you to reply before I send any more messages.”

JMHO. :) I wish you the very best in whatever happens. Although I’m a first mom in an open adoption and haven’t had to write exactly this kind of letter, I know the feeling of waiting and hoping we haven’t overstepped our bounds very well.

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