It’s been a month since I sent my daughter a message on Facebook. I haven’t heard back from her. It’s slowly killing me. I was assuming/pretending for a while that she just hadn’t seen it, hadn’t been on Facebook, but sometime over the past week her profile picture changed, meaning she had accessed the site. I’m not stalking — just checked my “sent messages” box to make sure I had actually pressed “send”.
My expectations, apparently, were high that I would get an answer back fairly quickly. I knew in my brain that it could take time, but didn’t believe that in my heart. Kind of like what Brown wrote about thinking something will magically happen when an adoptee turns 18, just ’cause it is possible. I remember counting the days until she was 18, then signing up with the Disclosure Register, assuming she would too because she could, but knowing she might not, but I’d been planning for her to for 18 years, since that’s all I could do, so how could she not?
I really am smarter than this twisted logic is making me sound.
So now I’m sad. I’ve been reading so much about adoptee experiences and rejection and anger and indifference and feeling more and more nauseated that I didn’t know this shit before. Starting to wake up.
But I’ll be fine and patient and hopeful that she’ll want to answer me eventually. And I’ll continue to be a happy mum to my two boys. But I’ll be sad about this for a while.
Posted by canuckfirstmum 