It’s been a month since I sent my daughter a message on Facebook. I haven’t heard back from her. It’s slowly killing me. I was assuming/pretending for a while that she just hadn’t seen it, hadn’t been on Facebook, but sometime over the past week her profile picture changed, meaning she had accessed the site. I’m not stalking — just checked my “sent messages” box to make sure I had actually pressed “send”.
My expectations, apparently, were high that I would get an answer back fairly quickly. I knew in my brain that it could take time, but didn’t believe that in my heart. Kind of like what Brown wrote about thinking something will magically happen when an adoptee turns 18, just ’cause it is possible. I remember counting the days until she was 18, then signing up with the Disclosure Register, assuming she would too because she could, but knowing she might not, but I’d been planning for her to for 18 years, since that’s all I could do, so how could she not?
I really am smarter than this twisted logic is making me sound.
So now I’m sad. I’ve been reading so much about adoptee experiences and rejection and anger and indifference and feeling more and more nauseated that I didn’t know this shit before. Starting to wake up.
But I’ll be fine and patient and hopeful that she’ll want to answer me eventually. And I’ll continue to be a happy mum to my two boys. But I’ll be sad about this for a while.
July 23, 2008 at 3:44 pm
You will be ok. You just may need to reach out in a different way.
“You” must be quite a shock to her. It just may mean that this will take patience.
She obviously is still updating her site so she did not fall into a total mess.
Remember this is the beginning, not the end. The road is very, very long.
July 24, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I’m sorry.
But, if it gives you any comfort at all… I am learning is that this is normal.
I can also see that this road is going to be very very very long for me. So you are not alone.
At least she knows you want to know her and that you will always be there for her. I’m learning that their time lines are not the same as ours.
Since meeting my son, he has grown pretty quiet, and I don’t hear from him much. Everybody tells me this is normal.
It is going to take time.
I like the idea of you reaching out a different way… what about a letter in the mail?
Are you reading the books? Coming Home to self, and The Primal Wound?
What do you think?
July 27, 2008 at 12:04 pm
She might need longer than a month to reply. Don’t give up hope.
July 28, 2008 at 10:47 pm
sorry I haven’t stopped by sooner. I really am new to this whole blog thing and I didn’t realize until just now that you could get to someones site by clicking their name. ANYWAY
I remember the same feeling about my daughter turning 18. I just knew it would be a matter of a few days or weeks and we would be back together again. But then I didn’t actively look for her, and they didn’t have my space and facebook back then. I had to wait for her to find me (or so I thought) i wish I had been more like you or had the internet capabilities then that they have now. It would not have taken another 10 years for our reunion. I made myself very available for her. I kept the same name and lived in the same place. I was easy to find until I decided to move up north. I forgot all about up dating my info. I moved, got married and didn’t give it a second thought. she found me anyway but it could have been sooner had I remembered.
I wish you luck on your journey to reunion. It isn’t an easy road and she’s still very young. I realized when my daughter turned 18 that it wasn’t the end of the wait for reunion but rather the beginning of the wait. I’m sure you know what I mean. Now that you have sent your message to her the wait begins. You would think 18 years would be enough. Good Luck
July 29, 2008 at 12:00 am
Thanks for the comments. I knew I may have a wait, just hoped otherwise. This stuff is hard, like so many of you have said much more eloquently than I.
Allison, I have been reading Verrier and am still digesting it all. Thanks for the suggestion.
August 17, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I wish you luck too. Have my fingers crossed.
October 10, 2008 at 8:27 am
Hi canuckmum…
How are you doing? Have you heard anything from your daughter?
I’ve been doing some more blogging, check it out if you like.
I hope you have heard from her.
Best wishes.
December 31, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I understand where you are coming from.