It’s been a month since I sent my daughter a message on Facebook. I haven’t heard back from her. It’s slowly killing me. I was assuming/pretending for a while that she just hadn’t seen it, hadn’t been on Facebook, but sometime over the past week her profile picture changed, meaning she had accessed the site. I’m not stalking — just checked my “sent messages” box to make sure I had actually pressed “send”.

My expectations, apparently, were high that I would get an answer back fairly quickly. I knew in my brain that it could take time, but didn’t believe that in my heart. Kind of like what Brown wrote about thinking something will magically happen when an adoptee turns 18, just ’cause it is possible. I remember counting the days until she was 18, then signing up with the Disclosure Register, assuming she would too because she could, but knowing she might not, but I’d been planning for her to for 18 years, since that’s all I could do, so how could she not?

I really am smarter than this twisted logic is making me sound.

So now I’m sad. I’ve been reading so much about adoptee experiences and rejection and anger and indifference and feeling more and more nauseated that I didn’t know this shit before. Starting to wake up.

But I’ll be fine and patient and hopeful that she’ll want to answer me eventually. And I’ll continue to be a happy mum to my two boys. But I’ll be sad about this for a while.

No response, though it’s just been three days. I do have this strange sense of calm that I wasn’t expecting. I’d been so worked up the past few weeks…do I send the message, do I not send it. Once I sent it, and after the initial wave of nausea passed, I felt better. It’s now out of my hands and up to my daughter whether and how she responds. It took me months to get to this point, so I’m not expecting her to think through it all so much quicker.

I have no idea if she’s even read it yet — Facebook doesn’t seem to have the same tracking system that MySpace does (and if it does PLEASE DON’T EXPLAIN IT TO ME! I’d rather live in ignorance on that one) so I don’t know if she’s picked up the message or visited my site.

Even though I’m not as anxious about it as I thought I’d be, it’s still hard not to wonder what she’s thinking. Is she drafting a response? Is she discussing it with her parents or friends? Are they pissed that I didn’t go through them as suggested in a comment? Has she deleted all the information because she just doesn’t care?

Or is she on some fabulous vacation and doesn’t regularly log on to Facebook? It is the summer, after all.

Maybe this inner peace I’m feeling is really just me protecting myself from potential rejection, but at least I’m getting through my days. And I’m seriously only checking e-mail a few times a day Thanks for the kind words everyone.

… and with that confirmation from Facebook, my months of indecision have ended. I sent my daughter the message. Yikes!!! My palms are all sweaty, my throat is dry. I think I might go throw up. Thanks to all those wonderful people out there who helped me amend my letter. I also cleaned up some grammar problems that you were all too polite to point out (including the entire first sentence that made NO sense!). It was a case of too many revisions… blah blah blah. Will let you all know post haste if and when I hear any reply. Thanks for holding my hand.